Here in Minnesota we are having a brown Christmas, in
contrast to last year when I thought I might be stuck at the house, unable to
get out due to the snow storm. Grey skies are not my favorite weather. I
consider myself a Mediterranean girl and in Minnesota by default. Or that is to
say, by way of love for my grandsons. And once I accepted that I was here to
stay for a period of time, have made my home here, there was the realization of
dreams come true, the many wonderful opportunities of living in a culturally
vibrant community, the joy of my spiritual
community, the ability to get medical insurance immediately so I could take
care of the necessary hip replacements, the circles that I am part of and the
work I believe in that we do.
Is it possible to love the Light within so much, so deeply,
so constantly, that the weather outside is nothing more than that: weather,
subject to change, a condition? Is it possible to hold both the thought and acknowledgment
that the weather is probably a sign of climate change and all the repercussions
coming more quickly than we had imagined and still hold to the belief that we
humans are creating a better world of generosity, peace, and interconnectedness? Can I
behold the good and the bad, the light and shadow, at the same time and not
choose sides, simply allow them to each whisper to me something sacred,
something wise, something true? Can I hold my light no matter the cost of what
has been demanded from me in my life: the losses, the grief, the regret, the
pain, the betrayals, the disappointments, the fall and the failures, the
struggle and the shame? Didn’t Jacob wrestle with the Angel until the Angel had
to put his hip out of its socket in order to escape? And wasn’t that a blessing,
a reminder daily with each step he took, that he encountered that Angel, that
he demanded to be blessed, that he received that blessing and it could never be taken away? His life was changed, he was transformed.
I have been blessed by such a bountiful generous universe,
blessed with love and the ability to have my heart break over and over and yet
be stitched back together, to choose
joy despite the weather report. I have been blessed with work I love to
do and the ability to get up out of bed, get where I need to go, and find
waiting for me inspiration, kindness, cooperation, conversation, order in the
midst of chaos, meaning in the midst of suffering, light in the midst of
darkness.
I have been blessed with the memories of heat and warm
beaches and a brilliant aquamarine sea stretching before me and nothing to do
but enjoy a meal, a friend by my side. And I have been blessed with sorrow that lets me know I am human, I have loved fiercely, I will never let
go of the love I have known but I will let go of my ghosts, my
regrets and my stubborn refusals. I say Yes. I say Yes. I say Yes. To the rain,
which reminds me of how much I love the sun but still I carry the sun perpetually within me, a heart
beat away.