How can we cultivate resiliency?
What is resiliency and is there a way to strengthen it? How does being
resilient change our lives and the ways we cope?
Resilience is defined by the
ability to bounce back after trauma, to cope with or to heal after a
crisis. We think of bouncing back after health challenges such as cancer,
heart surgery, joint replacements, serious infection, root cannals, as recuperating, but
actually we never recuperate to be exactly as we were. We may have scars, we
may have new body parts, we may have a new diet or restrictions on activities
or we may be advised to increase physical activity. With an on-going illness
such as diabetes, MS, CP, Lupus, Parkinson’s, we may think of resilience more in terms of attitude
and determination. We practice gratitude for what we have, we choose to be disciplined
about therapy and we ask for help and guidance in order to enhance our lives. We continue those activities we love as best we can. Resilience after pregnancy doesn’t mean we bounce back to the person we
were, even if we get our figure back. Our hearts, emotions,
minds, time, stamina, are all stretched, sometimes to the limit. We give up
sleep, autonomy, our own comfort; even our friendships may
change. But we live more fully, deeply, richly. So resilience is
not only coping or bouncing back or healing but change, growth, and
transformation.
Resilience after an emotional crisis is a sign of healthy moving forward. Whether it is a loss
of a loved one or our relationship with someone, a way of life or a job, a home or
homeland, a dream or our abilities, we mourn and let go. Sometimes this happens
in cycles, a wave of rising and falling, as we are reminded of what has been altered, perhaps by an anniversary, a special place, children and grandchildren, a certain fragrance or song. When we are
resilient, we are able to feel whatever it is we are feeling, then we
move on to another feeling which may be relief, gratitude, love, or acceptance.
We may find ways to express our feelings through art, journaling, a support
group or a friend's listening ear; we may choose to weep, scream, pound our
fists; or we may draw, pray, dance, walk by a lake. But we don’t stay
stuck in the past. We remember we have other relationships, ideas, projects,
homes, dreams and a life to fill. We may be more compassionate; we have gained insight, wisdom and new perspectives.
Michael was the love
of my life. He made me laugh and he listened to me, he took me seriously. He
was the first person I ever told, “I am an artist.” He healed past physical and psychological abuse with his affection. He was fun to travel with, always ready
to explore, gregarious and enthusiastic. He also
had wide mood swings. Some days he couldn’t get out of bed, some days he couldn’t
sleep. He would call me from another state or even disappear across the border and not
call at all. He would bring home people he had met at the
bar at 3 am. He was also suicidal, telling me that he didn’t want to live
daily, that life was too abrasive. With a diagnosis of
bipolar disorder, we began to understand his suffering was not going to be
cured by will alone.
We lived in Santa
Fe, a Mecca for alternative healing, and I began to search for alternatives to
prescription drugs. Earthwalks for Health
was part of my search. Earthwalks
connected us to indigenous artists and local sages for a week-end of learning
about their healing practices. This is how I met
Joan Logghe, beloved Santa Fe poet.
Joan
was the founder of Write Action, a writing support group. I was writing poetry with another group at the
time and encouraged Michael to attend Joan’s group. He found it satisfying to
pour out his brutally honest thoughts on paper and not be judged. One week, he
couldn’t attend because he was going out of town so I suggested that I could go
and “keep his seat warm.” I loved it and we continued attending together
weekly. We felt supported and accepted. It was
energizing to hear common themes go around the circle and to be reassured that
coping with Michael’s moods was not isolating us.
Joan had worked with
Natalie Goldberg and used the same basic writing instruction that so many
writing instructors and writing groups would come to rely on: spontaneous timed
writing. However, Joan used poems as
prompts.
Eventually Michael
became more and more mentally unstable and one night he gathered up the courage
to kill himself. I wept until my eyes were swollen shut but I was released from
care-giving and uplifted by a burst of creative energy. To be able to pour out
my grieving heart onto the page in the writing groups was cathartic. To feel that others cared was life-saving. From that point on, writing became not only a way of
self-expression but a life raft that saved me from drowning. When emotions feel
overwhelming, writing helps me to stay focused. Writing helps me to analyze and
understand what I am feeling and to make a shift from emotion to clarity.
There is no sharp dividing line between self-repair and
self-realization. All creative activity is a kind of do-it-yourself therapy, an
attempt to come to terms with traumatizing challenges –Arthur
Koestler
What I learned about resiliency is
that it is important to name and claim your emotions. When we feel something,
the amygdala part of the brain lights up. This is called our flight or fight
center. Studies confirm changes take place in the brain when we feel
or name our feelings. “When you put feelings into words,”
wrote UCLA psychologist Matthew Lieberman in an article in UCLA Today ”you’re activating this prefrontal region and seeing a reduced
response in the amygdala. In the same way you hit the brake when you’re driving
when you see a yellow light, when you put feelings into words, you seem to be
hitting the brakes on your emotional responses.”
In one MRI study, appropriately titled
"Putting Feelings into Words" participants viewed pictures of people
with emotional facial expressions. Predictably, each participant's amygdala
activated to the emotions in the picture. But when they were asked to name the
emotion, the ventrolateral prefrontal cortex activated and reduced the
emotional amygdala reactivity. In other words, consciously recognizing the
emotions reduced their impact.
Suppressing emotions doesn't work and can
backfire on you. Gross found that people who tried to suppress a negative
emotional experience failed to do so. While they thought they looked fine
outwardly, inwardly their limbic system was just as aroused as without
suppression, and in some cases, even more aroused.
To reduce arousal, you need to use just a few
words to describe an emotion, and ideally use symbolic language, which means
using indirect metaphors, metrics, and simplifications of your experience. This
requires you to activate your prefrontal cortex, which reduces the arousal in
the limbic system. Here's the bottom line: describe an emotion in just a word
or two, and it helps reduce the emotion.
Therefore, the emotions move from
the amagdala to the prefrontal cortex, which decides how to respond. Here is
where writing about our experiences not only sends helpful chemicals such as
dopamine and serotonin to the brain, but the emotions move from flight or
fight to determine how best to respond.
- How do you feel when you wake up? At the end of the day? After work? After your evening activities? Is there a way to express what you are feeling?
- Are you sad/frustrated/angry/lonely/upset/frightened?
- Are you relaxed/filled/content/happy/satisfied/joyful/curious?
- Keep a feeling journal and note the ups and down through-out a day.
- Chose an emotion and write to it, telling it you let it go. Use Joy Harjo’s poem I Give You Back as a prompt:
I Give You Back
I release you, my beautiful
and terrible
fear. I release you. You were
my beloved
and hated twin, but now, I
don't know you
as myself. I release you with
all the
pain I would know at the
death of
my children.
You are not my blood anymore.
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