Taking Care of Ourselves: Self-love and Gratitude

A few years ago, I remarked in my Writing for Healing group at Pathways that it takes more work to care for ourselves than ever before. By caring for ourselves, I am referring to ways to uplift our spirits. I am referring to feeling connected to each other and to our inner guidance, and living in harmony with all that is around us, including Mother Nature. To be positive and to experience calm. We feel our pain and yet we do not let it stop us from moving toward healing and wholeness. Our life force is strong and our hearts are open. Of course, this also means eating well, getting enough rest, de-stressing, exercise, gentle touch, and loving relationships. 

Here we are in 2021 with the pandemic all around us and I know people are exhausted and disheartened with the continuing social isolation, economic uncertainty and the challenges of constant family interaction, which might include a lack of privacy or abusive family dynamics. The boost of optimism during the inauguration was followed by the climate disaster in Texas, mutations of the virus, and roll out of the vaccine inhibited. 

We need to remind ourselves that we are experiencing a transition to a consciousness of our collective responsibility to care for the earth and all humankind. It may feel daunting to realize how much we need to lessen our carbon footprint. As we awaken to the sanctity of all life--knowing we share this one planet--we will have to make changes personally, and together as a country.

One simple way to uplift our spirits is to shift our focus from regret, worry, or frustration to gratitude. 

Ultimately gratitude is a practice, one that we have to be pro-active to get better at.

How can we feel grateful when life is painful, difficult, or traumatizing? When grief feels unending and even our ability to survive is precarious? We need to establish a practice that we use in good times and in bad. In difficult times, this practice might be noticing a few simple things in daily life: someone we love, something we care about, the changing skies and seasons, a memory of good times, a scent, a set of colored pens, a book from the library, our own strong hands or feet, words of wisdom from our ancestors, or that someone loved us when we were a child. I have lived in places where we had to haul cold water from a faucet as there was no indoor plumbing, and to this day I am grateful when hot water comes out of the tap. I have heard trees crashing along the street during a storm and to this day, I say a prayer of thanks for a home. If your home is not safe or you can't turn on hot water, are there other things you can be grateful for: the neighbor who sheltered you, your strong arms that can carry buckets, the fruit you picked from a tree, the sunrise? 

Why is this so important? Gratitude strengthens us, boosts our immune system, and increases our ability to be flexible and to reach out. Gratitude is like a magnet, attracting more good into our life. Or maybe by shifting our focus, we see the good that is already there, or recognize the good that is possible. 

What if at the end of the day we thanked ourselves for our tenacity, our determination, our willingness, our love, our kindness? What if we were grateful for our dreams, for not giving up, for believing in a better world? How would that change our identity, our sense of who we are, and give us support to keep moving? What if we think of social isolation as a gift of time to reflect and get in touch with our inner voice and of our exhaustion as permission to find respite and to detach from the world a bit? 

We are so much more than our worst days. We are creative and our minds are very powerful. From years of leading writing workshops, I know our biggest challenge is to love ourselves unconditionally, not because of what we do but just because we are. If we are here, as Joanna Macy says, we belong. If we are here, we deserve to be loved. Take a moment and reflect on the ways you are grateful that you showed up during this time of planetary transformation. You have what it takes to be an authentic loving masterful human being. 

Memoir: how to deal with emotional overload

When writing memoir, it is inevitable that emotions will rise to the surface as we describe both happy and sad memories. Sometimes what we write stirs the caldron of unresolved emotions. Rage, guilt, shame, hurt, and fear can all surge back immediately, even if we have done everything we can to heal, from therapy to moving on to a new life. While sifting through the details of the past, we may suddenly have revelations that shed new light on our motivations and our personalities, and on others as well. These revelations can range from shame or embarrassment at choices we made and/ or our naiveté or culpability, anger at ourselves that we didn’t act on inner guidance, anger at others for mistreatment or ignorance of our suffering, regret that we didn’t make wiser choices or ask for help, or forgiveness of our innocence and ignorance and understanding or tenderness towards ourselves and others.

Scientists who examined the brain discovered that the center of memory lies close to the center of emotion, and that reading sensual details of smell, taste, sound, sight and touch trigger the brain to believe the sensations are real. Logically, it makes sense that these sensations register as real when we write about them as much as when we read about them. Your body retains cellular memoires that can be triggered by writing your experiences down.

So what can we do? We want to write from a place of telling our stories, not seeking revenge, as victors, not as victims, as wiser, not embroiled in emotional turmoil. The place for expelling the emotional turmoil is in our journal but for readers, we want our reflections to resonate: what the past means, what lessons we have learned, what we have gained. The take-away.

It is important to take care of ourselves as surprisingly, these emotional states can arise again and again in different ways and in different levels of intensity as we progress from writing to rewrites and through further revisions. The emotions may change: we may no longer feel softened by the naiveté of our younger self, we may feel anger or regret that we had not felt before, the injustices we suffered may be more blatant or relationships may take on nuances we hadn’t noticed when we were just getting the story down.

Ways to  take care of ourselves:

•  walk or do yoga or dance, hang out in nature, feel the sun on your face or sit by a body of water, massage, cuddle, have sex, eat healthy foods. Any activity that occupies your immediate attention and gives you a break from over-thinking can help soothe and restore
•  talk with a trusted friend or counselor, read uplifting messages, express love for family and friends, feel heard, discuss other topics, laughter
• create and repeat positive affirmations, participate in a  spiritual community, sing, chant or listen to music, meditation and prayer: quiet the mind down
•  make art or visit a museum, being inspired by others’ work will raise your vibration

Other possibilities:

• write a letter to someone you admire, expressing your admiration and gratitude
• write a letter to someone in your writing world (a writing partner, an imaginary agent or editor, a writer you admire) explaining what you are working on and your intended goals
• write a letter to a reader, explaining why you need to write your story     

• Keep a blessing journal:

Every day write down three blessings. Note any blessings such as a friend called, a new book to read, a good meal, a cleaned kitchen, a gorgeous sunset, an inspiring poem, help with a project, a favorite song, a great parking spot, the bus on time, a smile from a stranger

• If the material is too hard to write, write in third person and/or turn it into fiction

You can go back and rewrite in first person memoir. Sometimes we need to the distance of third person to get our emotions on the page. Turning it fiction will give us permission to explore other points of view and perspectives.

• Write your story with a successful outcome or amazing synchronicities or with the ending you dream of. 

Give yourself a break from the dissection of your self to the vision of what you can be. I once threw a “Come as you want to be” party. I arrived dressed up for my trip to accept the Nobel Prize. Even though it was a fantasy, it gave me momentum to keep going at a time when I felt discouraged. The Nobel Prize may be out of reach but I published two books of poetry and have performed for hundreds of audience members, have won four grants and have been able to teach in prisons and non-profits, schools and healing centers. Besides my work appearing in literary journals and anthologies, I had an article published in Poets & Writers magazine and I have been a community editor for the Saint Paul Almanac.

• Take a break and write something else: poerty, short story, flash fiction

Come as you want to be as you rewrite your work: wiser, stronger, happier, beloved, and doing what you love to do. Keep your vision of your published book in your hand, your audience enthralled. Imagine the questions your interviewer will ask. Know that you have a story to tell that will open hearts and minds.